9 Years Later

—————————————————————————-
you don’t know because
I’ve never told you love
in those times where we would wreck our
hearts and the pains would be too great
I never told you
I held it all in, and let you cry
and let you grow to hate me
I never let you know how I really
loved you, and loved you and loved you
even more
it is too late now
as you have gone, gone to new loves
new lives
I’ll always look back and smile
because I loved you
although I never told you
you were one of the greatest loves of my
life——————————————————————————–

There should’ve never been this
without you I know not what to do
I’m lost without you
I’m lost without your love
you’re out there
you’re breathing the sun
exhaling life
where are you?
where have you been?
where will you go tomorrow?
If I could only be there
If I could only see
and feel that smile
as it rips into me like a knife
straight through my soul

——————————————————————————–

as time passes and
my heart strings loosen
I think of you
of the times we had aboard an old ship
below stars that were once ours
with people we didn’t know
or times along the shore
where the waves calmed me
while you waited patiently below a burning sun
I always came back to you
I always cared
the summer is gone now my love
the summer has forgotten us
cold air will soon engulf the beaches
and the sands will cry
on this day, I think of you
on this day, I hope to forget
not because of hate
but only because of love

——————————————————————————–

goodbye
time never heals all wounds
I never believed that lie
not the first time, not this last time
numb is all you become
until you can’t feel your blood rushing through
your heart
one can never get used to it
as it is always different
after all these years
after all these words.. there can never be an answer
there will never be forgetting
I leave you with a kiss…a caress across
an angelic face
never to be seen again
except in wishes and dreams

——————————————————————————–

it hurts when you can’t love anymore
it hurts when you can’t breathe
your thoughts are not forgiving
neither is your heart
yet again
I am older, although not wiser
because I stumble and walk away with
nothing
I’ve lost you
I’ve lost my way
the lights are off and it is midnight
and I stumble
in the dark, once again

——————————————————————————–

Self

tears
they flow
I clench my jaw
fuck you
your lying ways
fucking parasite
worthless bag of flesh
you don’t deserve your heart
in the mirror, you can’t hide
in the mirror, it’s all lies
all of you, every inch
this is fuel, feeding this fire
burning me from the inside
where I am as dark as ash

——————————————————————————–

everything gets better they say
so it must be true… as they say
look around, has there ever been
anything better?
I’ll be fine
as I was before
the pieces will fall into place
as they have before
I’ll smile again
with your face
in my heart
as they say

——————————————————————————–

distance not physical
has been ripping my heart
to shreds
smile I have, and put on an act
no one ever guesses
it’s the lonely times which hurt the most
when the sun is setting
and I’m the only one watching
when the moon reflects all my fears
and you are nowhere to be seen

——————————————————————————–

that day has come, gone
and to think I would let it keep me up
all this time now between
us
all those memories
like pictures in the attic
fading
although a scent, a sound
reminds me
I don’t need it
to remember

I never have

——————————————————————————–

I just left you
or did you just leave me
the way your ear sneaks out from below you hair
reminds me of laughing
for some reason
and your smile
how I miss it
how I envy it
forget your ride home
and enjoy the stars with me
I say to you
as you drive away
bittersweet you say
I couldn’t agree more

——————————————————————————–

new beginnings are like worn socks
I’ve been here before, countless times
starting over, again and trying not to fall
but I always fall, and get back up
I’m tired of falling, I’m tired of getting back up
I hate the routine, I hate
always, and my old friend appears
and helps, but for how long?
your help I don’t need, your smile has always
done wonders… and I think of you this night
as my old friend helps me along
and I write once again

Jul 20 2003

——————————————————————————–

I tried not to call you today
I couldn’t pick up the phone, I fought
think about you, I did…..thought about you over and over
about your smile, your kiss, you
I must walk away, slowly… but I must
I have no options babe
perhaps I’ll see you one day
when you are happy and there is no fear in your heart

——————————————————————————–

taking steps
that I’ve taken before
I walked and looked back
Dismayed and wondering
as I’ve always thought and thought and thought
my past reaches forward and touches my shoulder
i never cared about it
as I walk forward
I couldn’t help but look back and notice

I never leave footprints

——————————————————————————–

haunting days these are
leaves fall and they change into sounds
desperate horizons of gray call your name as you look back
and you see your breath
reminding you of time you are losing, of time you are forgetting
running through your veins, running through your mind as if you had always been there, unforgettable
unknowing what you have done.
we leave it at that

——————————————————————————–

Is it too late to tell you that I miss you
too late to tell you how I love you
as I wait for you
and your voice

is it too late to tell you that I know I pushed
when I should’ve pulled
that I lied when I should’ve told the truth
that I’m sorry for hurting you

is it too late to be there for you
to comfort you, to laugh with you
is it too late to miss you

how do I know?

how do we see what we’ve lost
once it is no longer there?

——————————————————————————–

is it laying under your bed?
behind some books
or perhaps in a closet

in darkness, waiting for light
searching for hope
always hopeless, that look
on her face

the dark hair is longer than her smiles
rare and her heart is canvas
painted below her floating eyes

where is she?
has she gone, never to return
created on a cold winter night
she embodies it all
I would have never guessed

——————————————————————————–

I saw you today, as you walked through old doors
long ago closed and the reason you left
reminds me
of imperfections resting at the bottom
the well can’t be dry
has it ever been full
games played in the dark have an ability to
haunt
words shouted when they should have been
whispered
I still don’t know, I still doubt
as I get older
I get wiser
to the fact that I’m not as smart as I thought

——————————————————————————–

dreams, still stand there
laughing, pointing
at your picture, at your face
they’ve broken the frame
and spread glass on the floor

barefoot, I walk and feel every
spear as it cuts through me
reminding me, of what you were
of your dreams that laugh at me now

that strange dream visited the other night
and I could only talk to strangers as the glass
cut me deeper and deeper

leaving a trail of blood and souls

————————————————————–

***

it’s been a long time
it’s been ages since
I heard those words come from your lips
and those eyes smile with the essence
of unbridled passions
Is it too late for us?
As far as I know, we were always late, late to love, late to know how….
I had already forgotten before we met..
before I took your breath and made it mine,
before the last star called my name

——————————————————————————–

Tonight, while you sleep
so far away from me
Tonight, while you sleep
closer yet, to my heart
I miss you
Tonight, while you sleep
I am there, gently brushing your skin
If not next to you
at least in my dreams
this night, while you sleep

Te busco en mi suenos

——————————————————————————

Te busco en mi suenos
bella
porque estas tan lejos
pienso en esos labios
bella
y me duele estar sin ti
pienso en tu voz
cantando las palabras
en otro idioma
sueno con tu piel
crema de miel
te busco
en mi suenos
hasta que despierte
al lado de ti

——————————————————————————

I’ve walked many miles
without you
Seen many fears come and go
many dreams fulfilled and others
shattered
without you
I look at that smile, and those eyes
how could I continue walking alone?
You’ve taken this heart
it’s yours
Now that I know
how could I continue
without you?

—————————————————————————–

Longing
I feel you on my skin
and I taste you, although you are
not near

I could hear you breathing
I could hear you dreaming

I want to sleep behind your earlobe
caressed by your soul
and warmed by your heart

—————————————————————————-

while I smile, and you dream
as those two lights in New York
cut
into the night
this is the first time I write
your name
Emma Yvonne
the spirited songs of wonder
responsible for laughter, my smile
cannot compare
with the symphony that is your
name
falling into that trap once again
as I feel the bonds begin to tighten
around my heart
I look back
scared
I wouldn’t have it
any other way

————————————————————————-

I took a long breath and inhaled your dreams
your smile, that amazing smile

underneath disarming eyes
begging to be challenged

swept away my fears
with the moon above

thoughts drift like feathers in the wind
&
I cannot forget what makes me
now
what you see

you’ll always know, your precious kisses will never be wasted

———————————————————————————–

The storm came
the quenching rain
as the dissection of my soul
continued
Outside, the rain
played her games
as I was drunkened by your
smile
The long road home
your eyes still beckoned
Lighting a fire
in a barren forest
I smiled

——————————————————————————–

Across time there is never a question of why
of how long
of when
Across time nothing matters
for it is gone in an instant
we are of such fate
and I can only wish to hold on
but knowing that
Across time there is never an If
or a but
just movement
never ending
constant change
the only static feeling
is my love for you

—————————————————————————–

Lost Poets Search for Dreams

They dream about searching for dreams
Within the souls of others
who listen with open minds and closed hearts, smile when they stumble for it is the love of the word
making others and others beyond those closer….cry
I’ll never stop once said the poet until I find what I know cannot be found, the reason for this, the reason for me;
it is not the end, nor the beginning but the smile I put upon your face, that makes this so special
for I wield power that you cannot begin to forget about
not understanding this which I lay before you and I question not my motives for they are true
and the smile is yours
Lost, searching for dreams

———————————————————————————–

And Now…

A chance meeting….is what it was
and now I think about her

The farthest thing from my mind
that morning
she was

She walked away with my image
while hers was burned in my mind

As the drops fall, the rain once again
coats my heart

————————————————————-

Tuesday Night Stillness

Quiet
altogether lonely
in a good way
Content
Hearing tiny heartbeats
Resting near mine
Wishing she was here
In silence, with me
This is one of those times
where words are not needed
and smiles coat the walls
it’s been such a long time
Leaves fall outside my window
and I laugh
Content
this Tuesday night

————————————————————-

Writer’s Block

Across great distances of water and land
and I can’t write about her

She’s taken my heart, forget it, she’s always had it
and I can’t write about her

I didn’t know how to love her
I broke the most tender heart
and I can’t write about her

One day I will write….about her beautiful eyes, her smile…intoxicating skin. The way she talked, while her eyes wondered If was listening…I always was….

I can’t write about her….not now

———————————————————————————–

Inexplicable

I stopped trying to explain what I can’t understand

you, me, the world
our place in it

distance could be what heals
us

distance could bring us together
as weird as that might sound

to those who have stopped loving
There

There are not many things abound with pleasure when you stop dreaming

Almost…I ALMOST stopped
Dreaming

—————————————————————————

I took a trip to New York
it has always been a haven

A deep breath allowed me the freedom to go forth
without the fear, with out the hesitation

I walked and walked and walked and felt as the city let me breathe on her skin

I never let her see me cry

—————————————————————————-

Time

Time has this way of sneaking up on you, when you’re not looking

When you least expect it
Simply, and greatly
She takes what she wants, never asks permission

You always want more of her, of her charm, her smile

you know, she’s no good for you, but you keep coming back, crawling back

Time doesn’t want you, she’s constantly making what you are into what you were.

—————————————————————————-

Give me Reason

Give me Reason
To write about your hair
how it curls and softly floats
in the wind
Give me Reason
to feel the heat from your skin
yet hold back, and not touch you
Give me Reason
to study those lips
and kill the urge to kiss
them
Give me Reason
not to hold you close
when we should politely be
apart
Give me Reason
to be one reason you smile

—————————————————————————
An April Night

A night in Jersey City lasts longer than the days I spent studying

as I lay here wondering in the solitary silence
words from a man long dead echo through my mind
devoured from pulp and colored in black

the money and the watch
they have no meaning at night
when I am alone and passing traffic teases
travels I could be taking

the hum so constant…..so static, unlike my heartbeat
a chaotic drumbeat within my chest

silence fills my small room with the density of fog
and my ears adjust slowly
but they can never completely heal

the shoes I’ve worn
can tell stories to old men with walking sticks and atrophied muscles

tonight I fight distraction
it stops me on the road
to the future

and no matter how far I get
I will feel as if I’ve not begun to travel

there are no mirrors here
in my small room
and I’ve never wondered why

——————————————————————————–

What are we

Consumer, that’s it, u, me
eat your cereal with you sports hero poster boy
while you read the ad for new cologne

I hate my job, I hate my daily routine
but I can’t buy what you advertise
If I don’t… work

Toil the soil, plant some herbs? No
Ad agency…I’m a cog in the machine
that has made me a slave

——————————————————————————–

Untitled

Poems without titles are curious beings
they are nameless, unknown, bastard creations

Poems without titles beg to be read
they crave attention like a newborn without milk

Hungry for eyes to devour them
minds to examine them

what do you call them?
do you forget them as soon as you read them?

10-16-00

——————————————————————————–

Lament for old excuses

I must work, I know
I must write, I know

outside I can hear the rain
smashing against the earth
soaking all of my dreams

it is hard to dream
doubt can sabotage so much

I know I must work
I know I must write

I feel better
than they do
than they look
I still have excuses

10-17-00

——————————————————————————–

Optimism

indifference guides a thread in me
lose it
no

Why should I care, just to get stomped
when the willow cries and the holy birds
fly from their perches

I’ll tell you why

I leave it to my heart to decide
indecision is the task of my brain

10-18-00

——————————————————————————–

Changes

I try to hard
or I used to

that feeling foreign once again
you know what I mean

you can’t sleep
can’t work, thinking too hard

while the world continues
you freeze, unwilling, uncaring, oblivious

to the fact that you
are dying inside

10-19-00

——————————————————————————–

Ask

Where there was once anger
indifference reigns

ask me once If I still care
ask me once If I still feel

while I live, I love
you’ve read the words
you’ve read correctly

your lies not forgotten
their sting, dulled

my heart numb

to your
existence

or lack thereof

its a wonder why I wasted my time

10-20-00

——————————————————————————–

Senseless acts of passion atop the great building

Building those foundations we
are

Are we? I ask only for honesty
during these cold, unforgiving nights
when the stars are the only comfort I have

I wouldn’t let it affect me, this storied place
has always been

Mine

As the east river greets us
and the lights play their games
I can’t help but have some fear

Will you be like her
And I, a game to be played
while heart strings are ripped apart

Devious smiles echo in the night breeze of frozen souls

10-21-00

——————————————————————————–

Another Wasted Night

I’ve wasted another night
thinking about you

I’ve wasted another night
dreaming of you

I could have been loving
I could have been writing

I let my feelings get the best of me again
a vicious circle I cannot break

10-22-00

——————————————————————————–

Never Enough

There is never enough time
never enough love

enough

The light blinds me as I stare
at the sun

why do you stare at the sun? It will
Burn you

Today I took a long bath
my hair is still wet and the night clouds move so
quietly

without worry of a thought of a dream
night calms those who cry as their lives pass them
by
the way of reason for writing this?
from the corner of my mind you smile and I look
within

find that you are not me and I am not only you
but a byproduct of pain

10-23-00

——————————————————————————–

Listening

as the valves open in the heart
pump blood they do

sweet

emotion

the only way
long drives calm the beast as the mind slows
95 miles per hour in slow motion

moonlight blazing my eyes meet yours
I hold out my hand

feel that touch as the wind cuts my hair
and my thoughts with it

I listen to your voice

10-24-00

——————————————————————————–

Dreams of a broken man

I never asked you of what
you dreamt of

my own blood did not deserve you
father

mistakes you’ve made
your heart played with
oh father

destined to hurt you are
I notice tell no one
show everyone

I have to ask you
your dreams

what are they?

10-25-00

——————————————————————————–

Who am I to question

Who am I to question
the choices of my heart

Who am I to question
the choices of others

Who am I to question
Love

Who am I to question
the very words pouring from my soul
the broken dam of infertile soil

Optimistically speaking, no other like you
unless the skies part and the rain carries with it
my dreams

But who am I to question
when the only question I have
is
who am I

10-30-00

——————————————————————————–

Untimely

My tears have dried
amor

time does that
the wounds they heal
hellos dicen

only memories now
outline my dreams
buscando fuersa

I smile because you are happy
even though I don’t know
los ojos destruidos

beneath the fear
love blooms once again
recuerdo

10-31-00

——————————————————————————–

A new journey begins today
The focal point
as I take steps
into the dark woods
has been, today
my past
your past
who do I write to?
If not you
as the shadows grow larger
and the darkness engulfs
could my light always have
been
you
?

1-15-01

——————————————————————————–

I take a stand
against those who
quit
on love
those who run
Not I
never
forever shackled
by desire and knowledge
of what once was

1-16-01

——————————————————————————–

It is now that I know the least
Voices come, unfamiliar faces, recoil
there will be no such thing as a
last poem for you, my love

As the color dies in my hair
I wonder aloud, thinking of New York City
streets and cozy downtown restaurants
I cannot hold time, an abstract
concept designed to tear
apart

Should there be hope where now lies
fear, in its mystery cloak
You are to me, radiance of a summer
Mourning, your smile
That smile

That smile with the power to break
hearts

These words come, I won’t fight them
It would be like stopping the blood
from flowing through my heart

01-16-01

——————————————————————————–

I only write words on paper
The best I can do
While my love is so distant,
Far…formed from my heart

It is something greater than
can be described by a simple man
this love
my love for you

The beaches of my soul
have not been quiet
since you wrote your name
in the sand

And all the burnt embers
have floated to the sky

01-16-01

——————————————————————————–

If ever in your heart
there was a question
of just how much
I love you

Think please of the
insignificant moon
enthralled with our blue earth

In an eternally vast universe
of quasars and supernovas
through all time
the moon, in love with the earth

Admires its cool beauty
by her side
eternally
until the sun engulfs them both

1-16-01

——————————————————————————–

Burned bridges can be
rebuilt no?
Questions my heart asks

A pallid face sits and wonders
she stares and I smile

There was never a question
of unconscious dreams

I don’t remember
not knowing you

as the sand falls
between my fingers

1-16-01

——————————————————————————–

Distracted souls
creep alongside
General calm
persuades the rest

Volcanic passion
Knows no bounds
I know, for I feel

Damaged central veins
of molten lava
keep me warm at night

And only the balm
could cool me
would be a kiss from
your lips

1-16-01

——————————————————————————–

Subliminal Construct

As always as long as I walk along
your streets Feeling air, noiseless thoughts
Along crowded streets

Smiles left behind by those
who care only when they are alone

Devotion to my inner self has become a passion lacking color, leaving nothing to the imagination

I’ll walk up your steps and feel the heart along with
the gravity of love

——————————————————————————–

Impossible

reflected on my window through the snow laughs nothing much as the cold

I dive into the ever-present selfishness and wonder aloud

seemingly strange things or are they not normal for am I

not

normal…as my breath becomes visible and how I forgot to remember that I was alive

pitch a clouded tent of misery for somehow, you know it

not

it has not become impossible

——————————————————————————–

After All This Time

Your voice on the other end
chilled me to the core
After all this time
not now, not this place

Clearing the heart of past hurt
it was easy to leave and not think
hardest of all to forget

As soon as I knew
lifted the weight
of lost time and whispered thoughts

yet, hope entered the picture again
after all this time

|| Francisco Caba 7:29 PM

Saturday, January 10, 2004

you wonder why I write about her
the way I do
you wonder why I am still writing about her
the way I do
and her smile haunts me stilleven while I loved you
I still wrote about her
even while I lost you
I still wrote about her

a train cut my silence once
while her eyes shone
not three feet from me
and I could feel her warmth

now time rapes me
devours my life minute by minute
and I still write about her

knocking on the door of
these plexiglass mockery of acts
I still write about her

even while you ask why

because

It helps… it helps to think she’s still out there
smiling like she once did
while I wrote about her

|| Francisco Caba 9:57 PM
Responsibility is not something I know
and equally I know not of
true love
for a while at least
there have been false alarms
and remarkable facsimiles
but none like you
and your way of being the one
the love of my life
and although you’ve passed into memory and are forever in my heart
every time I turn a corner
I prayto see you on the other
side

|| Francisco Caba 9:45 PM
Philadephia
hated city
container of old memories
which will not die
greeted me with a smirk
once again
beneath the sunlight
and frozen dreams
as barren as the landscapethe landscape
littered with souls of the malcontents
smiles are hard to come by today
but those memories warmed me
like no alcohol could

like no alcohol can
make me forget
those years past
when youth was our joke
and our future was unlimited
in
Philadelphia

|| Francisco Caba 9:42 PM

Friday, January 09, 2004

tap tap tap
fingers on the keyboard
not gently not lighty
banging the shit out of it
what the fuck
tap tap taplook around fool
they’re staring at you
tap tap tap
bang

fuck this shit
I can’t write anymore it’s too
tediiiiiiiiioooooooooouuuuuuusss
bah
I’ll blame it on you
and come back tomorrow

and begin again

i love this shit